Great Loss
by lissylou78
Summary: ...so I'm feeling all angst-y, so here is yet another M&G angst. i'm sorry! this takes place after the death of hayley. penelope discovers all about tamara in the worst possible way. poor timing derek!
1. Loss

"Tell Jack I need him to work the case"

"What?"  
"Tell Jack, I need him to work the case." He repeated as though he was willing her to remember,

"Jack, did you hear that?" Hayley says softly to Jack as it sank in what Aaron had meant. She watched as her son got up from where he sat playing, inches away from a murderer.  
"Hi Daddy" Jack greeted  
"Hi Buddy," Aaron replied trying to hold his composure.  
"Is George a bad guy?"  
"Yes he is. Jack, I need you on this case with me. Do you understand? I need you to work the case with me." Aaron was desperate for Jack to understand what he was trying to say and was relieved when he finally answered.

"Okay Daddy,"  
"Jack, hug your Mom for me." Doing as he was told Jack wrapped his arms around his mother. Hayley, who knew only too well that it would more than likely be the last time she would be able to hold her child in her arms held on to him for dear life.  
"Mommy hug me too tight." Jack complained,  
"I'm sorry."  
"Why are you sad?" he asked worriedly  
"I just love you so much."  
"Mom, I gotta go. I'm working on the case."  
"Okay," Hayley watched as he ran out of the room.  
"So cute, he's like a little Junior G Man. I'll be right up Jacky boy." Foyet called out.  
"Is he gone?"  
"Yes."  
"You're strong Hayley. You're stronger than I ever was."  
"You'll hurry right?" he realised she wasn't asking for herself, that she was wanting to make sure that he would be there in time to protect their son.  
"I know you didn't sign on for this."  
"Neither did you."  
"I'm sorry for everything."  
"Promise me that you will tell him how we met," She requested tearfully, pausing for a moment,  
"And how you used to make me laugh."

"Hayley," Aaron interrupted wanting to believe that he would be there in time to save her.  
"He needs to know you weren't always so serious Aaron. I want him to believe in love, because it's the most important thing. You need to show him."  
"Promise me." She begged. Tears poured from both their eyes, and those who were listening the precious last moments shared by Aaron and Hayley. Though a part of them felt as though they were invading their privacy, and not really wanting to hear what was about to happen, they couldn't bring themselves to switch off the speaker, knowing that they had to listen, to know what was going to happen, and to be there for Hotch, even if he didn't know.  
"I promise." They heard him promise, and then one single gun shot stopped time, for all of them.

Penelope had shut down her computers for the evening. It was the most horrific day she'd ever had to endure with the exception of the day her parents had died in a car accident. That one gun shot, which she later found out was aimed directly at the temple of Hayley Hotchner, continued to haunt her in head. Hayley, in time had become her friend. She had often babysat for Jack before and after Hayley and Aaron split up and they had developed a friendship outside Hotch. They had a coffee date at least once a month, at least until Foyet.

Dave had called her to tell her that she was taking the Hotchner's to his place, knowing she would want to be there. Penelope had raced to Dave's and let herself into his cabin with the key that he had long since given her for the times when he would get called away and hadn't had an opportunity to make arrangements for his dog. She had just enough time to grab basics from the grocery store should the Hotchner's and their team need to be fed. She was just unpacking the bags when she heard Dave's SUV pull up at the front. She opened the door to greet them and upon seeing his Aunt Penelope Jack wriggled out of his father's arms and straight into Penelope's. Penelope picked up the little boy and hugged him tightly

"Hey little man." She soothed caressing his hair as he buried his face into the crook of her neck as he held on tightly to her. Penelope looked up in time to see the look of gratefulness that crept into Aaron's face knowing that as much as he wanted to be there for Jack and was, he needed a moment where he could just fall apart. Penelope merely nodded giving his hand a squeeze as she ushered them in  
"Can I get you guys anything?" though it should have been weird that she was asking that question when the owner was right there, it seemed almost natural. Both Dave and Hotch shook their heads.  
"How about you my little one? Aunt P can make you anything you want. I brought over stuff to make all your favourites." Hotch smiled knowing how typical of Penelope that was. Jack just shook his head and hugged her tighter.  
"Okay then, maybe later. What do you say sit out back on Uncle Dave's porch swing and just hang out?" Jack looked at Hotch as if to ask for his permission before answering  
"Sure buddy. You hang with Aunt P, we'll be right here if you need anything."

Jack's whole body was wrapped around Penelope as his head lay on her shoulder, his face buried into her neck. When the team arrived a couple of hours later, Jack was asleep in the very same position. Hotch had come out a couple of times to check on them, but Jack was perfectly content to be in the arms of his Aunt P, much to Hotch's relief. Every so often Jack would whimper and she would murmur into his ear, or start singing him a song and he would eventually quieten down. It was going to be a long and tough road for the Hotchner men and her heart broke for them. They had all stayed till late that evening. Jack went from Penelope to Emily, and back again throughout the evening. Eventually it had taken Hotch, Penelope and Emily to put him down for the night and get him to sleep. Emily had offered to stay the first shift, enabling Penelope to head home for a few hours before returning early the following day to help. It was unspoken that they were going to be there for both Jack and Hotch, whatever it took. They knew that the nightmares would come, and someone else aside from Hotch would need to fight the demons that will inevitably haunt his son. Emily and Penelope had taken it upon themselves to be those people for Jack, as they had already established a close relationship with him.

Penelope went back to the office before going home. Leaving in such a rush she knew that she had left a few things unattended that she needed to attend to before she went home. As she drove out of FBI headquarters Penelope's thoughts fell on to Derek. She could see the weight of the world that lay on his shoulder, the darkness behind his eyes. In the last few months he had immersed himself in solitude, bringing distance between not only them, but to the rest of the team in general. He had stopped calling her anything else but Garcia, which hurt in the beginning. Gone were the days when they would flirt with each other to the point of nauseating, these days they were lucky if they had a conversation that was not case related. She missed him. Ached for him, and wanted to have him back. Especially now, she needed her best friend. She needed him.

Purposely missing the turn to her house, she headed straight to his. If anything she was going to force herself through his door if only to sit on his couch and just have him in the same room. She needed him to make it better. Despite the growing distance between them, this day surely warranted a cease fire. A day that warranted a Wild Card that could be used to make the day better disregarding reason.

After knocking on his door and receiving no answer Penelope let herself into his apartment thinking that he may still be at Hotch's and she may as well feed Clooney or let him out for a bit. Clooney greeted her happily at the door,

"Hey boy," she said affectionately scratching behind him behind his ears as he barked appreciatively.  
"Shall I let you out for a bit?" she asked receiving an excited wag of the tail as an answer.  
"Well let me leave a note to your Daddy so he doesn't think you've been kidnapped." Just as Penelope was writing Derek a note, she could hear voices and giggling from outside his door that made her glance up. Just as she did the door opened, Derek walked in with Tamara Barnes in his arms.  
"Ugh, I'm sorry. I was just, I came by to make sure you were okay, and I saw that Clooney needed to be let out so I was going to do that but didn't want you to think he'd be kidnapped so I was leaving you a note." Penelope rambled obviously shocked to see him wrapped around the very woman she had warned him about. Derek saw the look of hurt and betrayal that shot through Penelope's eyes, just quick enough for him to see, but for Tamara to remain oblivious.  
"Hi Penelope right? You're the tech analyst in Derek's team." Tamara said somewhat territorially.  
"Yeah that's me, the tech analyst slash dog sitter. Well, I'll let you guys go on about your evening. Though Derek you may need to take Clooney out before the night is over." Penelope added grabbing her belongings. She gave Clooney one last pat before walking past Derek and Tamara to let herself out. Hurriedly Penelope made her way back to her car telling herself to hold it together till she was at least in her car. She went from being hurt to being angry to being sad that they had reached the point that they were at. That she truly had lost him.

Derek watched the door close behind Penelope. His heart dropped to his feet feeling like a complete jack ass.

"Babe, do you mind if I let Clooney out for a bit. He's been cooped up all day."  
"Sure, go on ahead." Tamara said making her way towards his kitchen to make them both some coffee. In just a few short months, she had made herself at home in his place. Derek quickly grabbed Clooney's leash and practically ran out the door,

"Penelope wait." He yelled as she was about to get into her car. Penelope turned to see him running towards her with Clooney, but she merely shook her head and hopped in the car. She drove off without looking at him. Derek stopped, and watched as she drove away. At that moment he felt the loss of Hayley, Penelope and their friendship fall in together. He dropped exhaustedly to his knees, feeling overwhelmed. He knew that he had more than blown it with Penelope, and she was never going to forgive him.

Penelope drove off with tears pouring uncontrollably from her eyes. She had lost so much in one day. She wasn't quite prepared for losing Derek too, but if she were honest, he had lost him months before. At least it now made sense why he only referred to her as Garcia these days. What she thought was set in place for the appearance of propriety turned out to be something else.

Penelope knew at some point Derek was going to be looking for her, and she wasn't ready to talk to him. So instead she went home to Emily's on the pretence that she was getting a bag ready for her. It wasn't unusual for the girls to spend the night at each other's apartments, and she knew that Emily wouldn't have minded her staying in the guestroom especially once she found out why. The last thing she needed was Derek showing up at her doorstep.

Failing to have any form of rest or sleep, Penelope gave up at 5am. She showered, packed a bag for Emily, drove past her own home to pick up a few things, and stopped by the office to pick up Hotch's spare Go Bag before heading to Rossi's.

Dave woke first to the smell of waffles and pancakes. He found one Penelope Garcia in his kitchen cooking up a storm. He saw Hotch's spare Go Bag by the door, beside a Gucci overnight bag that he recognised to be Emily's, with the dark circles that were evidently beneath her eyes, he knew that she had not had any sleep the night before.

"Hey, I hope you don't mind. I couldn't sleep so I thought I would make myself useful."  
"Penelope, I'm a man. I don't turn down home cooked meals, even if they are made so early in the morning." Penelope gave him a small smile as she continued to flip the bacon on he grill.  
"Stupid question, but are you okay?"  
"As okay as any of us will be for awhile." She answered honestly  
"What else is bothering you Penelope?"  
"Wow, again with the I hate profilers!" Dave smirked,  
"What happened?"  
"It's nothing really. On the scale of things, after Hayley, it's nothing."  
"But it is to you." He pressed  
"Well it shouldn't be."  
"And telling yourself that, is it working? Are you convinced?"  
"No, but I will be if it's the last thing I do."  
"You found out." He guessed. Penelope jerked her head up to meet his gaze, before dropping it back to the stove  
"You knew? Did you all know?" she asked feeling a little humiliated.  
"Sweetheart," he said gently taking on that very fatherly voice with her,  
"Wow. I guess I overestimated where I stood in this team. I thought we all looked out for each other, I guess you all look out for each other." Penelope said dropping the spatula from her hands and looking at him with hurt in her eyes. Dave closed the distance between them and put both his hands on her shoulders as he spoke,  
"Penelope, you know you are a part of this team, that you are an integral part of this family. You not being told wasn't for Derek's protection but yours. We felt that it was something that should come from him. This is between the two of you. I am sorry that you are hurt, but that was not our intention, if we thought for a moment that it would spare you the hurt that you feel right now, we would have told you in a heartbeat." Penelope met his gaze and nodded. She knew that had it been one of them who told her, she would have been just as mortified.  
"I'm sorry." She apologised looking away,  
"Its okay Kiddo. You have every right to feel angry and hurt." Penelope nodded and turned back to her cooking.  
"You know where I am if you want to talk."  
"I do, and thank you." She said dropping a kiss on his cheek before handing him a plate full of food.

"Oh my Lord, what smells so good." Emily exclaimed as she came down the stairs  
"I should have known that smell is familiar. It's the famous Garcia breakfast." Emily said as she found Dave and Penelope sitting side by side at the dining table swapping newspaper segments. Penelope looked up at her friend and smiled,  
"Grab a plate. I also dropped by yours to pick up clothes and your toiletries so you can have a shower and change your clothes."  
"I love you Penelope Garcia."  
"I get that a lot." Penelope answered with a grin handing her a fork as Dave chuckled beside her. For the last hour, they had sat in companionable silence. They had discussed, Aaron and the tragic events that took place the day before. Action plans, and Jack rotations. Dave could sense that Penelope was not up for discussing Morgan just yet and gave her the privacy she needed and the distractions necessary to be able to compose herself for the day ahead where she will inevitably run into him.

Half an hour later Little Jack Hotcher came down the stairs and grinned at the sight of Penelope,  
"Aunt P you're here." He said happily making his way to her as gathered him in her arms and placed him on her lap.  
"I made waffles especially for your little man."  
"Really?"  
"Your Aunt P spoils you." Hotch observed with a grateful smile as he came into the room.  
"Of course, who is Aunt P's favourite four year old?"  
"I am!!!" Jack said exuding with confidence bringing a smile to all of their faces. Hotch plated food for Jack and placed it in front of him as he dug in heartily as he remained sitting on Penelope's lap. Hotch was glad to see that Jack's spirits had lifted slightly. It had been a night filled with nightmares and screaming for Hayley. Penelope could see that there was very little sleep had by all.

All the arrangements had been made the day before. Hotch had spoken to Hayley's family, and they were wanting to see Jack. When Emily had taken Jack up for a bath, Penelope broached a difficult subject with Hotch.

"Hotch, would you like me to pick out an outfit for Hayley from your house?" Hotch's eyes lifted to meet Penelope's, tears began to form in both their eyes,  
"If you could, I would appreciate that. I just can't go in there right now, and I would never ask Jessica to go knowing, what took place there." Penelope reached over the table and placed a hand over his,  
"Then tick it of your list. I've got it."

Derek's eyes sought out Penelope the moment he stepped through the doors. He had found her at the dining table, Jack on her lap, her hands held his arms as they sang silly songs together. The sound of Jack's giggles warmed and healed their hearts.

When Morgan arrived Penelope took it as her opportunity to get her list done. Hotch was taking Jack to see Hayley's family. From there he and Dave were going to the funeral home to pick out her casket and organise the funeral. Penelope was going to meet them there with Hayley's outfit. She also wanted to pick up some photos of Hayley, and the family for the wake. She wanted to do a slideshow for the life that Hayley that lived. JJ, Emily, Morgan and Reid were going to hold the fort at Dave's taking all calls and fielding them appropriately. Without a word to Derek, Penelope had bid the rest of them farewell.

"Can I come with you Aunt P?" Jack asked as she rose to get going  
"Sorry little man, Aunt P has somewhere she has to go and good looking little boys aren't allowed to go. Besides you're going to see your Gramma and Aunt Jessica. They're going to be so happy to see you."  
"Will they be sad too." He asked quietly, as though he was scared  
"Yeah baby," she answered crouching down to look at him in the eyes

"They're going to be sad just like you. Your Mommy was so special and we're all going to miss her. So you make sure you give Grandma and Aunt Jess a big hug okay."  
"Okay Aunt P. Will you be here when we get back?"  
"Try and stop me!" she said with a grin pulling him into a tight embrace.  
"I'll see you guys later."  
"I'll walk you out." Dave announced standing to his feet. Penelope threw him a grateful look knowing he was trying to help her get out of there without having to converse with Morgan. By that act alone, Derek deduced that Dave knew that Penelope had found out about Tamara.

"Did you want to take my car?"  
"The precious JAG that sleeps in your garage only to be used on special occasions, sheesh you must be that worried about me." She teased  
"I was actually thinking my SUV," he retorted  
"Then in that case no." she replied grinning.  
"Are you sure you want to go alone?" he asked seriously,  
"Yeah, I would prefer it. It'll give me a chance to say goodbye to her properly."  
"Penelope, where she was found…"  
"Was their bedroom where her clothes would be. I know Dave. It's okay. Thank you though. I promise if it gets too much I will call for reinforcements, for now I just want some time to myself, to process everything, and say goodbye."  
"Okay, check in when you're on your way back. We're going to drop Jack off to spend time with Hayley's family, then heading straight to the funeral place."  
"I will do. Thanks hey."  
"You're welcome Bella." Dave replied dropping a kiss on her cheek as he opened the door for her. She honked the horn before driving off and stuck her hand out to wave.

As Dave walked back into the house he saw Derek lingering out the door. He could tell that Derek was dying to ask him questions. He could see the jealousy in his eyes that Penelope was leaning on someone else aside from him.

"You're an idiot. She deserved better than finding out the way she did. I have no doubts that you care about her, love her even, but you blew it. You don't get to stand there in contempt that someone else it looking out for her. You don't hold exclusive rights to Penelope Morgan. We all care about her, whatever misled prior claim you seem to think you have on her, you lost that right when you set her aside for your career and for your girlfriend. So don't you dare pull that caveman crap on me, or anyone else who is willing to put that girl first because she deserves nothing less, because if you haven't quite noticed Morgan, despite everything she has been going through the last few months when you abandoned her, she's still front and centre, first and ready in line to be there for someone else. She lost one of her really good friends yesterday Derek. And I don't mean you. Hayley was her friend, and she had to listen to her friend be murdered. Where were you to help her pick up those pieces?"

Derek hung his head in shame. He didn't know how, but he had forgotten to make the connection that Penelope and Hayley were friends. The thing was had that been almost a year ago regardless of who it was they listened to get shot, his first instinct would have been to head to her office to make sure he was okay. Rossi was right. He failed her as a friend. He knew that she had come over that night, to yes check on him but also to seek comfort that she once would never have had to seek. He knew what it would have taken her to go to his place, only to find out that he had been lying to her for months, that he had been putting boundaries between them for a girl, the very girl that she had warned him about, how that would have hurt her.

**Sorry guys, I'm in an angst-y mood…as always! This evolved into something different than what I had envisioned, and I was just letting it write itself, so I am not entirely sure where it's going or how it's going to be resolved, if it is going to be resolved. Talk to my muse! =) Hope you all had a great Christmas! I will be updating my other stories. I'm back on nightshift so you need to be patient with me. Take care! xxE**


	2. Let me be there for you

Penelope stood in front of the Hotchner's house and just stared. The front door was still taped with Crime Scene tape. She looked up at the Victorian suburban home. She had spent many afternoons and evenings there, baby sitting for Jack as well as just hanging out with Hayley. Looking after Jack had brought them closer than Penelope imagined they would, after all Hayley was her boss' wife, and for awhile there Hayley was very anti BAU. After their separation Penelope had remained neutral and Hayley appreciated that, and their friendship had truly started from there. She knew that Penelope did not judge her for the decisions she made to fight for her family, and that meant a lot to her. The more she got to know Penelope, the more she liked her and vice versa. Tears began to roll down from her cheeks. She was buying time and she knew it. As much as she needed to go inside, and wanted to do it alone, the weight of it all knocked the wind out of her. She wrapped her arms around herself, as she began to shake. She bit her lower lip and looked up at the house again forcing herself to pull it together and go on in. She didn't want to have to call Dave and tell him that she couldn't do it, she couldn't let Hotch down. Not now. Just as she was about to lose it familiar arms wrapped themselves around her, lost in her grief she didn't have the energy to fight him off. She merely turned into his chest and buried her face into his shirt as he held her as tight as he possibly could as she wept. Penelope was so upset that she was shaking, and beginning to gasp for air,

"Sweetheart, it's okay. It's okay." Derek murmured in her ear before burying his face on her shoulder into her curls. It was all so familiar. With one arm protectively around her waist the other held her face close to his chest while his fingers were caressing her hair. Every fibre of Penelope wanted beat his chest with her fist, yell at him to leave her alone, but she couldn't. With his hand resting beneath her curls, he dropped his lips on her forehead, trying to offer the comfort they both needed.  
"I'm here P. I'm not going anywhere." He promised. Penelope raised her head from his chest to look up at him,  
"But you've already left." She said sadly,  
"I know, and I'm sorry, but I'm here now. Please P, let me be here for you. For this moment. Right now. Everything else we can battle later. I know right now you need me, so I'm here. Later, you can yell at me, slap me, hit me, whatever, but right now I'm here to help you do what you need to do. After all this, we're going to talk, and I know you don't really want to hear what I have to say after everything I've done, so I will beg until I'm blue in the face. For now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you, and I'm sorry for walking out of your life. Please let me be here for you. Please let me hold your hand as you go up those stairs. Let me stand behind you as you pick out what she needs to wear. Let me give you a hug when you need it. Let me offer you all the comfort you need. Despite my actions of late, I'm still your best friend, and I am asking you to allow me to be that if only today." Her mind screamed no, but her heart longed for him. Her heart needed him. She needed him to be what he was in her life, even if only for that moment.


	3. Friends having to say Goodbye

Derek took Penelope by the hand as they entered the Hotchner home. There was an earyness about it that sent the hairs on the back of Penelope's neck standing. Crime Scene had long since put everything back in place. Carpet scrubbed, walls wiped done, but not everything could be scrubbed. There were faint traces of blood marks, drag marks on the stairs. Derek gave Penelope's hand a comforting squeeze as he led them both upstairs. Penelope gasped when they reached the Hotchner's bedroom. The pool of blood left by Hayley's body was prominent, intrusive, horrifying. Derek pulled Penelope to his chest as silent tears fell down her cheeks. She cried for her friend, she cried for Hotch, she cried for the little boy who was going to grow up not having his mother around and truly appreciating how wonderful she was.

The last time Penelope had come over was the last time she had been in that bedroom. She and Hayley had gone shopping while Jack was at a friend's house and like typical girls they had put their purchases on the bed and tried on their new outfits. Was it really only a few months ago? At the same time, it felt like it was only yesterday. Penelope could still hear the faint laughter that came from the bathroom as she and Hayley joked around. She could still feel Hayley in the room. Despite the over powering smell of ammonia, beyond that she could still smell friend, which was enough to weaken her knees. Derek held her in place, as they stood by the door. She had closed her eyes, as she bit her lower lip. Derek could see that she was saying her goodbyes to Hayley. After a few minutes her eyes opened and she straightened up. A determined look crept across her face as she crossed over to the other side of the room to the walk in ward robe. Derek watched as she walked into the ward robe and pulled out the first thing that her hand landed on, like she knew what she was looking for before she even got there, and she did. With the dress in one arm, she let her hands run themselves through the rest of her clothes.

"Goodbye my friend." She whispered as she took one last longing look at the ward robe and switched the lights off before heading out.

Derek had followed her into Hayley's sewing room, where her computer was set up. On the shelf in the corner stored many albums collected throughout the years. Penelope opened the closet door, and behind the Jack's old clothes lay a fireproof safe. Penelope confidently typed in the combination. When it opened Derek could see a box full of CD's marked photos and a small external hard drive.

"Her memories were important to her, those photos, after everything that happened with Hotch, was all she thought she had left of him, of them and the thought of losing it all, well you know. So one weekend I stayed over, we scanned all of their photos, and let me tell you there are plenty, we burned them on to discs, but we also stored them in the hard drive. She wanted to put it somewhere safe and had the safe installed knowing that it was fireproof." She explained knowing he was behind her with a puzzled look on his face. As Penelope picked up the hard drive she notices something behind it. It was a package with her name on it. Penelope brought the package to her chest and hugged it, unprepared to open it.

She remembered as she said her goodbye to Hayley at the hospital before the US Marshall took them away, Hayley had hugged her and told her that she had let her birthday present in the safe. The safe that the two of them only knew about, she had told Penelope to go and get it for her birthday, but Penelope refused saying that she would have to give it to her herself when she returned.

"She said it's for my birthday, that I should come and get it so I would have it in time for my birthday in case she didn't get back in time for it. I totally forgot." Penelope said absently. She noticed that there were another two packages beside hers. One was for Aaron, and another was for Jack. Penelope knew instantly what they were. Penelope handed Derek Hayley's dress and carefully pulled the packages out when a note fell from in between the packages.

"Penelope, if something happens to me, I want you to be the one to give this to my boys. Thank you for your friendship. With much love, Hayley"

The floodgates that Penelope had thought had finally subsided opened once more. Hayley must've slipped in there before they left to see Hotch at the hospital. She must have known the danger that she was in. It made Penelope even sadder, knowing it would break Hotch's heart even more that Hayley had prepared for the day.

Penelope closed the safe back and placed Jack's clothes back to hide the safe and closed the closet. She looked around the room and good memories flood in of that weekend they spent scanning all those photos while watching eighties movies from her lap top. A small smile escaped from her lips as her eyes fell on a photo of her and Hayley from that night stuck on a fuzzy photo holder. It was the photo they had taken at four in the morning, sugar crazed and hyper. They were pulling faces and laughing hard,

"Good times." She murmured. She took the photo and held it close to her heart  
"Bye honey. Don't you worry about your boys, we'll take care of them." Penelope solemnly promised before putting her fingers to her lips then to the photo of Hayley on the wall. Wordlessly she walked out of the room, and out of the house. Without a backward glance she headed towards her car. She knew that it wouldn't be the last time. She would offer clear out her clothes, her belongings if Hotch was unable. She would offer to just be there if he needed help. She knew that Hotch would never live in that house again, and there was no way he would leave Hayley's memories there.

"Thank you for coming Derek. I appreciate it. I have to go meet Hotch at the funeral home now."  
"Do you want me to come with you?" he asked. Penelope looked up at him and shook her head,  
"No, but thank you for wanting to." She said meeting his gaze for a moment before getting in her car.  
"Bye Derek."  
"I'll see you at Rossi's Baby Girl." Penelope looked up at him, surprised to hear him call her Baby Girl.  
"It just doesn't feel right anymore does it?" she said sadly before driving out of the driveway.


	4. Laying you to rest

Penelope drove slowly to the funeral, as though buying time for composure, but she knew there were not enough hours in the day to fully take in everything that has happened in the last 48 hours. So much had been lost, there was so much they would never be able to get back, recover from. Their whole lives have been turned upside down. Putting the car in park she let out a deep sigh. She turned to the packages on the passenger seat of her car. She knew it wasn't yet time to give them to Hotch. She ran her hand along Hayley's dress before picking it up.

Dave and Aaron had heard her pull up and made their way to greet her at the door. They watched as she gave them a small smile as she approached them, hugging Hayley's clothes close to her. From where he stood, he knew what dress Penelope had picked. He knew that it was one of Hayley's favourite dresses. It was a summer dress that he had bought her while they were in Rome for their honeymoon. Hayley loved that dress and despite how often she wore it, it was in pristine condition. Hotch looked forward to the summers knowing the floral spaghetti strapped dress would make it's debut. The blues and greens in the small intricate flowers spread over the ivory dress brought out her eyes and Hotch had always loved seeing her in it. Seeing her in that dress always brought him back to their honeymoon, their friendship, and how through time and hardship, he knew in his heart that they did not part ways because they stopped loving each other. Which made losing her even harder.

Hotch's eyes met Penelope's, she placed a hand on his arm as she passed him the dress. As hard as it would have been for him to part with that dress, he knew it was the perfect dress. He was grateful that Penelope knew that, and that she had picked it knowing that his attachments would prevent him from executing what would have been Hayley's wishes.

For the next few days they all moved robotically, making sure everything that had to be done was done. Between them all Hotch's main focus could be on Jack alone. Both Hotchner men were not sleeping all that well. Penelope, Jessica and Emily took turns in putting Jack to bed for those first few hours, but it was Hotch who would be woken up by the screaming and crying throughout the night. It broke him to see Jack so upset. To be haunted by the man that took his mother away.

On the morning of the funeral, it was raining. The clouds hovered heavily, but the moment they finished the service at the church, and Hayley was being carried out to the car, the clouds had disbursed and sunshine broke through, Penelope looked up at the sky and smiled knowingly.

JJ and Emily walked on either side of Penelope as they followed the coffin that was being carried by Hotch, David, Morgan, Reid, Will and Hayley's brother in law Ted, tears streaming from their eyes. Jessica had opted to carry Jack instead of holding his tiny little hand in hands. Admittedly more for her comfort than anything else, the living, breathing legacy that Hayley loved so much and had left behind.

"WS Gilbert wrote that it's love that makes the world go round. And if that's true, then the world spun a little faster with Hayley in it. Hayley was my best friend since we were in high school." Hotch began as he cleared his throat.

"We certainly had our struggles, but if there's one thing we agreed on unconditionally. It was our love and commitment to our son Jack. Hayley's love for Jack was joyous, and fierce. That fierceness is why she isn't here today. A mother's love is an unrivalled force of nature and we can all learn much from the way Hayley lived her life." Hotch looked up and paused for a moment,

"Hayley's death causes each of us to stop and take stock of our lives, to measure who we are and what we've become." Penelope had looked up in time to see that Derek was looking right at her, his eye boring into hers. Her eyes told him what she had been unable to tell him all these months that they had been estranged. Her eyes fell to the exquisitely beautiful woman who's arms were looped through his, whose whole body was leaning against him, making her presence known in his grief. She couldn't help but envy that.

"I don't have all those answers for myself, but I know who Hayley was. She was the woman who died protecting the son we brought into this world together and I will make sure that Jack grows up knowing who his mother was and how she loved and protected him. And how much I loved her. If Hayley were with us today, she would ask us not to mourn her death but celebrate her life." Penelope smiled in agreement as she remembered her friend.

"She would tell us, she would tell us to love our families unconditionally and to hold them close, because in the end they are all that matter." Derek felt Hotch's words seep within his core. Knowing he had failed the family that depended on him. He looked to her once more, his eyes offering an apology for what he can never regain, her broken trust.

"I met Hayley at the tryouts of our high school's production of the Pirates and Penzance. I found our copy of the play and I was looking through it the other night and I came upon a passage that seems appropriate for this moment -

Oh, dry the glistening tear  
That dews that martial cheek;  
Thy loving children hear,  
In them thy comfort seek.  
With sympathetic care  
Their arms around thee creep,  
For oh, they cannot bear  
To see their father weep!"

One by one everyone had come forward to place a rose of the coffin that housed someone they all loved. Penelope waited as everyone had their turn. When Dave had placed his rose, he had walked to Penelope's side and placed a hand on her shoulder, coaxing her out of her trance. She looked up in surprise and gave him a grateful nod. In silent agreement he had walked with her. She placed the rose to her lips and placed it with the rest of the offerings. She lay her hand on coffin and whispered,

"Rest in peace my friend"

Dave, Penelope, Emily, and Reid stood close together, as though they were trying to keep each other upright. JJ and Will stood close behind, with Derek and Tamara beside them. They watched as father and son pay their last tribute to the woman the meant the world to them.


	5. The Wake

They held Hayley's wake at Dave's house. It was by far the largest and it was already familiar both to Jack and to Hotch, a factor that seemed important when they were planning. The last thing they wanted was to hold the reception at some function room where Jack would feel uncomfortable, the day was going to be hard enough and they didn't want to make it harder. In Dave's house he had his own room, and thanks to Penelope, Emily and JJ most of his things were already there trying to make it as homey as possible. Derek had boxed up most of Jack's things and handed it over to the girls to do their magic in the guest room of Dave's house. Thankfully Strauss had enough compassion in her to ensure that they were not to be called out on a case that day.

"Jack honey, did you want something to eat?" Penelope asked the little boy in her arms. Jack whose head was resting comfortably on the crook of her neck looked up and shook it before laying it back on her shoulder.  
"Okay sweetpea, but you'll have to eat for me later okay? Aunt P doesn't want you to get sick."  
"Okay Aunt P." Jack promised tightening the arms that were wrapped around her.

Dave came up to Penelope with a mug of tea in his hand. From the moment the funeral had finished Jack had made a beeline for Penelope and had not left her since. It was almost as though Jack was protecting her. Seeing the woman wrapped around Derek, they all wanted to protect her, and were all fighting the urge to hit Derek over the head. Sitting down beside her he handed her the tea,

"Peppermint, two sugars." Penelope smiled and leaned over to give his cheek a quick peck of appreciation  
"Thank you! For the tea, and for the other things." She said knowingly, while Dave chuckled  
"I have no idea what you're talking about."  
"I'm sure you don't." It wasn't lost on Penelope that at the appearance of Tamara they had all hovered protectively around her.  
"He's fallen asleep." Dave observed pointing at the sleeping boy in her arms.  
"I'm glad. His nightmares keep him up for most of the night, it's good that he gets some rest in between all that. How's the boss man doing?"  
"As expected,"  
"Stoic,"  
"You got it. So you staying the night?"  
"If you don't mind. I'm not coping very well at being alone at the moment. As sad as it is being here, it brings me comfort you know."  
"Why Penelope Garcia, did you just admit to being human?" he teased earning a smack on the leg with the back of her hand.  
"Watch it Rossi,"  
"Of course it's okay. I know it helps them you're here. It helps me too." He admitted.  
"You're doing a great job Papa Smurf. You're the glue that's keeping him together, and you're the glue that's keeping all of us together."  
"It's what families do."

Derek was discreetly watching Penelope and Dave on the couch at the corner of his eye as Tamara chatted nervously beside him. Not a big fan of funerals for obvious reasons, but felt it was within her girlfriend duties to be there for him knowing that he was all out of sorts. That and she had barely seen him since Hayley had passed away. Not that she begrudged him of that time, but she was worried about the growing distance between them. Since the night of Hayley's murder, he had been distracted. Admittedly she had been suspicious of Penelope after finding her in her boyfriend's apartment apparently at home enough to have her own key and be well acquainted with his dog. She had been meaning to ask him about that, but knew enough that it was not good timing. She had been watching the dynamics between their team and could see the family instincts that came naturally to all of them when it came to one another. Emily, Dave, Reid, Penelope and JJ worked like perfect clockwork in determining what was needed at a moments notice as they communicated without words catering to Hotch's or Jack's needs. There was so much love between them that she was almost envious. She had watched Penelope curiously, at where she fell in their dynamics, and from what she gathered she was indeed well loved and intricately placed in their BAU Family. There has not been a moment where she had been alone, and every move she had made since they arrived at Dave's was purposeful and made with confidence. She ran around with the others as though it was their home too.

Reid joined Penelope and Dave on the couch sitting on the other side of Penelope. Penelope watched as Emily and JJ kept a close eye on Hotch making sure that he was okay. Knowing him well enough when he had reached his limit, one of them would make their way over to him lead him away under the pretence of needing him for something.

"Do you want me to take him?" Dave asked thinking that she must be getting tired.  
"No he's good. We're both comfortable. It just means that I can't move from here any time in the near future. So you guys are in charge of the Boss man,"  
"JJ, Em and Will are on it for now. We'll relieve them in a few."  
"Spence," JJ called out from the other side of the room as she beckoned him to come over. Reid excused himself and made his way to JJ.  
"She left me a Birthday present Dave." Penelope spoke quietly, her voice thick with emotion  
"She told me before they went on Witness Protection, she told me where she would leave it and I told her that I didn't want it. That she can give it to me when she got back, and now. I just can't believe she's gone. I can't bring myself to open it."  
"You will when you're ready, and one day you will be kiddo."  
"Pen, we're ready for the presentation." Emily said walking over to them.  
"All you need to do is hit play on my laptop Em." Pen answered apologetically pointing at Jack who was asleep in her arms.  
"No probs. On to it." Em replied placing a reassuring hand on her friend's arm before heading towards Penelope's laptop taking Reid with her. JJ had gathered everyone in the foyer of Dave's house. Reid and Morgan had set up a screen to drop down from the stairs, Penelope had made sure the projector was in place earlier that morning and all systems were working. Strategically Em stood on one side of Hotch and JJ on the other when the video had started. Dave stayed with Penelope and Jack, knowing that Penelope was about ready to crack.

The video began with a laughing Hayley waving at the camera. It was taken one afternoon at the park with Penelope and Jack. Then a series of photos backed with one of Hayley's favourite songs began to play. Starting from her childhood to her school years, to when she was with Hotch, their wedding, and when she had Jack. Along with those photos were photos with her family and friends. Towards the end of the Video presentation the whole room was filled with Hayley's voice as the last photos, her most recent ones came on the screen,  
"Take care of yourself, take care of each other. I'll miss you. Love you." With that the video of Hayley and Jack blowing them a kiss and waving filled the screen before it went blank and soft music began to play in the back ground. There was no a dry eye in the house.  
"How did, where did?" Dave asked Penelope who was wiping the tears from her eyes,  
"She called me from Sam's phone as they were driving away that day. I had missed her call because I was in with Hotch in his hospital room, so she left me a voicemail message. Do you think Hotch is mad?" she asked as Hotch made his way towards them  
"Of course not." Dave assured her knowing that Hotch wouldn't be.  
"Penelope, thank you." He said gratefully. It was a beautiful tribute to Hayley and a well deserved one.  
"You're welcome Hotch," she replied with a small smile patting his knee as he sat down. The three of them sat in a comfortable silence as Emily, Reid, JJ and Will skilfully intercepted anyone that was trying to get to Hotch knowing that he needed a moment. Dave rose from his seat leaving Penelope alone with Hotch,  
"That tribute would have meant a lot to her. It meant a lot to me, and I know it'll mean a lot to Jack."  
"It meant a lot to me too Aaron. She was my friend, and I just wanted to send her off in true Hayley form you know."  
"Where did you manage to dig up those photos?" he asked curiously, as he didn't even know where those albums were.  
"We spent one weekend scanning all of your photos. I can honestly say that there was a period of time when I couldn't look you in the eye." Hotch raised his eyebrow as she uttered the words,  
"Pirate hat." Earning a genuine laugh from Hotch.  
"I should have known that she wouldn't burn it like she said she would."  
"Yeah, I can tell you now she didn't burn anything." Hotch's face reddened with embarrassment as he could only guess what other photos Hayley hadn't gotten rid of.  
"Kidding Hotch" she assured him with a smile. Jack stirred and lifted his head,  
"Hey Daddy."  
"Hey Buddy, you want to come to Daddy for a bit to give Aunt Penny a rest." Jack looked at Pen before nodding. Aaron reached over as Penelope handed him over,  
"Why don't I get you something to eat Jackers, you haven't eaten all day."  
"Okay Aunt P." Jack agreed,  
"Hotch, can I get you anything?"  
"No, I'm good." Hotch answered as he brought his lips to Jack's head. He didn't miss the silent summon from Penelope to Dave to take her place on the couch, to which he obliged wordlessly  
"You guys would make a great bunch of mobsters." Hotch complimented as Dave sat down.  
"We're your family, we're protective, suck it up."  
"And I am grateful."

As Penelope headed towards the kitchen she could feel the endless sleepless nights with every step. She was utterly exhausted. Though there was buffet of food out on the table, she knew that Jack wouldn't eat any of it so she walked into Dave's pantry and pulled out bread, peanut butter and grape jelly. She was assembling his sandwich when Derek walked into the kitchen.

"Hey,"  
"Hey," she replied looking up briefly before resuming her task  
"You okay?" he asked knowing it was a stupid question.  
"As okay as one can be on a day like today. How are you holding up?" she asked concerned. His bringing Tamara had inadvertedly thrown him into isolation keeping him from receiving any comfort from their family unit, and for that she felt somewhat sorry for him. Derek shrugged as he met her gaze,  
"I can't imagine what he must be going through. To lose someone you love, not being able to say you're sorry, to tell them that no matter what, you still love them. That despite what they may think or feel, that they still mean the world to you." Penelope swallowed,  
"Well you have your chance to do that Derek. Make sure Tamara knows how much she means to you,"  
"P, that's not what…" before he could continue Tamara had entered the kitchen.  
"Hi, I didn't mean to interrupt I was hoping to get a glass of water." Tamara said looking from Penelope to Derek obviously walking into the middle of something.  
"Nothing to interrupt," Penelope reassured as she packed away the bread, peanut butter and grape jelly back into the pantry  
"The glasses are on the top cupboard beside the fridge. There's cold water in the fridge, still and sparking. If you want temperature water, there's some here in the pantry." She said pointing as she picked up a bottle of water and Jack's plate leaving the two of them in the kitchen.  
"Babe are you okay?" Tamara asked walking over to Derek wrapping her arms around his waist, despite herself Penelope looked back and the sight of them just made her sadder, if that were even possible at that point. Emily appeared beside her friend and threw an arm around her shoulder  
"Hey." Penelope greeted with a smile  
"I tried to get to you as soon as possible, but I got intercepted."  
"Thank you, it was unnecessary. Besides, I saw that Reid tried to keep her out here for as long as he could. I appreciate the solidarity."  
"Yaya!" Emily said raising her hands up in the air. Penelope laughed feeling so much better.  
"Going to see if I can get Jack to eat something, you want to come?"  
"Nah, still on duty." Em replied dropping a kiss on Pen's head before heading towards another person making their way to where Hotch was sitting peacefully. Penelope chuckled in amusement.

With the exception of the team, everyone else was out the door by five that afternoon. Derek had quickly run Tamara home and promised to return to help clean up. No one was quite surprised when he didn't return by the time they were finished. Dave had thrown JJ and Will out knowing that they were all working on very little sleep, Reid hitched a ride home with them leaving Emily and Penelope who were sharing one of the guest rooms. Emiy was reading to Jack in his room when Penelope found Hotch outside on the porch swing,

"Hey,"  
"I don't mean to interrupt, but I needed to talk to you while I still had the courage to do so."  
"That sounds a tad ominous. You're not resigning are you?"  
"Why is there something I should be resigning for?" she asked amused,  
"No, I just, well with…"  
"Keep digging Hotchner."  
"Really, there's no point. I am willing to remove foot from mouth and allow you to proceed with your original thought."  
"Why thank you. You're so kind." She replied dryly sitting down beside him.  
"Remember how I mentioned to you how I got those photos?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Hayley wanted to do that because she wanted to be able to preserve the pictures to last generations, and after you guys went your separate ways, the photos were pretty much all she really had left, well minus Jack and memories of course. You know that I don't need to tell you that Hayley loved you and you don't need to tell me how much you loved her. You need to know Aaron, that she knew too, which is why it was so important to her to preserve your memories. She had a safe installed in the closet behind all Jack's old clothes. That's where she's kept the discs with all the photos, I've got the hard drive which you can have, I just needed it for the presentation. I went to the house to get the photos and in the safe she left something for you and for Jack." Aaron lifted his head to meet her gaze, she nodded placing a hand on his knee before reaching over to the side of the porch swing and picked up the bag that held the packages.  
"This one is for you, and the other one is for Jack. You can give it to him when you think it's time." Aaron looked at the package wrapped in brown paper, he found himself somewhat afraid of what was sitting before him. Penelope felt his quandary knowing that her own package remained wrapped. She stood to her feet wanting to give him some privacy, Hotch grabbed her hand to stop her,  
"Please stay."  
"Sure," she said sitting back down. Hotch stared at the package for a little while longer, before sighing and carefully flipping it over to open. Penelope gave him the space he needed to work it all out in his head. Hotch gasped at the leather bound scrap book that Hayley had made for him. Tears filled his eyes as he turned the pages, memories flooded in and it consumed him, the most unflappable man in the world began to unravel before her very eyes and there was nothing she could do. Hotch sobbed unable to hold it all in any longer, his regret filled him, anguish and pain over took him. Penelope wrapped her arms around him protectively as he sobbed against her holding the arms that were wrapped around him to his chest, clinging on for dear life.  
"It's okay Aaron, let it out." She murmured encouraging him to let it all out.

"Does she realise how much strength she has?" Emily asked standing beside Rossi by the window witnessing Aaron's breakdown.  
"Nope," he answered without a thought.  
"Derek's a fool." Emily muttered.  
"He's so scared to change things between them, scared to lose her, and at the end of it all he ended up pushing her so far away that she doesn't trust him or herself around him." Dave explained.  
"Once again, he's a fool."  
"Love makes us do stupid things all the time."  
"Don't I know it."  
"Give him time Em. He won't forget what you started before all this happened."  
"I think he already has. He's so consumed by his guilt and I understand that. I don't begrudge it. At the end of the day, I love him, and if I have to love him from afar, that has to be enough, because I don't really want anyone else." Dave placed a reassuring hand on her arm.  
"He won't be like this forever." He promised as Emily nodded hopefully.

Penelope and Aaron stayed outside for what seemed like hours, going from comfortable silence to random anecdotes.

"Thanks for being here Pen. I never really thanked for you being there for Hayley, after everything. She truly loved and appreciated your friendship Pen."  
"She did say if she were to divorce you again she would fight to gain custody of me." Penelope shared with a smile.  
"The beauty with you Penelope Garcia is that divorced or not your unconditional love for all of us remained and you will never fully grasp what that meant to both of us."  
"Thank you." She said softly.  
"I might go on up and check on Jack. You coming in?" he asked standing up.  
"I might stay here awhile." She answered pulling out her own package.  
"Birthday present." She explained  
"Ahh, you can do it. It's not so bad. Would you like me to stay?" he offered. Penelope smiled,  
"No, I'm good but thank you for the offer. I'll see you tomorrow."  
"Goodnight." He said dropping a kiss on her head before going inside.


	6. Let's Talk

After the funeral, Strauss had given them all a few days off knowing that they had all been wound up since the murder. Hotch was considering what his next move was. Although Dave had offered to have him and Jack stay for as long as they wanted or needed to, Hotch wondered if it would be best if he and Jack started their clean slate earlier rather than later.

Strauss had offered him retirement, and for a moment he considered it, but a part of him felt like if he had, it was almost as though he and Hayley had separated for nothing and the purpose would have been lost. What they fought so hard about would have been for nothing.

Currently Pen and Emily lived in the same apartment building and they had informed Hotch of the vacant apartment on their floor. It was a three bedroom place, secure and close to the office. It was also five minutes away from where Jessica lived so that if he needed a babysitter in the last minute, it wouldn't take long for her to get there. The three of them would have the fourth floor on their own as there was only three apartments on their floor. Hotch had even arranged it so that no one but those who had a swipe card and knew their access code could enter their floor.

"I think our floor just got a whole lot secure." Penelope joked as they watched Hotch talk to the building manager. They had spent those few days off packing up the rest of Hotch's belongings from his apartment, as well as their old house. Penelope, Hotch, and Dave had tackled the house while Jack stayed with Emily and JJ in the new apartment getting his room ready. Emily had offered to paint Jack's room and have him help to distract him, while Derek, Spencer and Will moved boxes from Hotch's old apartment to the new one. Picking up boxes from their old home and delivering them accordingly. Hotch had kept a few of Hayley's things for Jack. The rest he had asked Jessica if she would like them, to which he accepted gratefully. Hotch knew that Jessica would never wear the clothes, but he knew having them near by would be comforting to her, and to the rest of their family.

Hotch found Penelope in Hayley's sewing room. He saw that she had made a Jack box. As she cleared the book shelves she was picking out Hayley's favourite books, and the books that she had read to and with Jack and putting them on Jack's pile. The room was almost bare and the cupboards were emptied.

"Is that?" Hotch asked pointing to the safe as she nodded in reply. Hotch walked over and found that Penelope had opened the safe but left everything in there, as if waiting for him to empty it himself. There were things in that safe that he had long since forgotten, things that weren't necessarily valuable but incredibly precious. Everything that Hayley had kept in that safe were memories she had cherished. Penelope rose from the floor where she was sifting through a box of what looked like bank statements and discreetly left the room giving him space.

Dave found Penelope sitting on the back porch steps, her head leaning against the railing with her eyes closed.

"It's almost over Kiddo."  
"I know," she answered with a sigh. They were almost done. The only room that was left was Hayley's sewing room. The whole house was almost empty.  
"What's going to happen now? How do we get them through this? Heck, how do we get through this?"  
"By sticking together Bella, it's going to be hard for awhile, but we can get through anything as long as we stick together."  
"Then you guys are going to have to stop isolating Derek. He's a part of this family too. You guys need to be fair. He needs a support system too." Dave looked at Penelope and smiled,  
"Okay, I'll spread the word."  
"I appreciate that." Dave draped an arm around her shoulder and dropped a kiss on her temple before getting up,  
"Might go see if Hotch needs a hand in that room so we can get going. It's going to be dark soon."  
"I'll be right up." Penelope promised.  
"Take your time."

By the time they had arrived back to the new Hotchner pad they were all exhausted. Hotch was taken aback that between them all they had managed to set up the rooms with the furniture from both Hotch's old home and his apartment. It looked like a real home. Hotch's eyes began to brim with tears, overwhelmed with gratitude.

"Daddy come see my room. I helped Emmy paint."  
"You did! That's great buddy, lead the way." Hotch said allowing his son to drag him to his bedroom.  
"You guys go on up, we'll order pizza." JJ said as the rest of them collapsed around the room.  
"I'm just going to take a quick shower if you guys don't mind." Pen said rising to her feet.  
"Sure Pen, we'll see you back here in a little while." Em answered worriedly knowing that the last few days were taking its toll on her friend. Emily and Dave's eyes followed her out the door before exchanging a look that was not missed by Derek who had also been keeping a close eye on Penelope.

Penelope jumped in the shower and sat there for a good half an hour. She knew that despite the fact that she said a quick shower, they would understand that she just needed some time to re-group. After all they were profilers. They weren't at all surprised when Derek rose from his spot on the floor half an hour later and she hadn't returned. Emily's first instincts were to intercept but Dave had held his hand up as if to tell her to let him go. Curiously she nodded and remained in her seat.

Penelope came out of the shower in her robe, and found Morgan sitting on her couch staring at the photos she had displayed on the mantle of her fireplace. It was a series of photos taken throughout the years. A few were of the two of them. She had added to the collection since he had last been there. There were new photos of the girls, Jack and even Hayley, which he guessed was placed there upon their hiatus. There was also a photo of the team taken at the bar, but he wasn't there. He guessed it was one of the many times he had bailed on them in the last six months.

"Hey," she said breaking his trance.  
"Hey P, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."  
"I'm fine Derek. I just needed a moment to regroup. It's been a long day." Derek nodded in understanding  
"Are you okay?" she asked noting that his attention went back to the mantle and a far away look took over his face.  
"I'm so sorry P." he managed to painfully extract. Penelope could see the regret and anguish on his face that it was hard not to forgive him. If Hayley's death had taught them anything, it was that life was short, and they had to cherish what they had while they still had it. Or at least cherish what they used to have.  
"Derek, it's okay." She said walking up to him placing her hand on his head. Derek leaned forward from where he sat resting his head against her middle as she cradled his head in her hands, stroking it soothingly. Derek looked up at Penelope and took her hips with both hands and kissed her middle, surprised her hands cupped his face so that she held his gaze,  
"No Derek, it wouldn't be right. We both may want to right now because it's what would make us both feel better, but it will only make things messier than it already is. We both know you don't love me that way." Penelope said softly releasing his face so that she could walk away but Derek on jumped to his feet tightening his grip on her waist till he was able to wrap his arms securely around her,  
"Now I know I have been an ass. I know that I have pushed you away. That I have walked away from our friendship, that I betrayed you. I know what I am going to say isn't going to be fair, and I am sorry. But I love you P. Heart and soul I love you and I am so sorry it took losing Hayley to realise just how much and just what kind of love that was."  
"You're just saying that because of Hayley, come on Derek you've survived more than six months not having me in your life. Your revelation is just conveniently placed."

"Admittedly, it took losing Hayley to realise what we had is what I have hoped and prayed for all my life. Baby Girl, you take my breath away. With those eyes, your smarts, the way you bite your lower lip when you're nervous, and how you get this look of 'need to bolt' when a conversation leads to a direction you weren't expecting or prepared for. You walk into a room and I forget that anyone else exists." Penelope scoffed,  
"Even when Tamara was around which is why I never placed you in the same room." He added.  
"You're my best friend P. You know me inside and out. Hotch and Hayley had something amazing, it may not have lasted, but it was incredible for the period that it was. Jack is a walking testimony of that love. I want that P. I want us to have that chance. I want to wake up every morning with you by my side. I want to be the person you turn to, who you know will never let you down."  
"That was you, and you walked away from that. You're the one that bolted. Things got tough and instead of turning to your family, you went for the easiest route. The closest warm body." Penelope said looking him right in the eyes showing him exactly how much he had hurt her. Derek placed a hand on her cheek,  
"Baby, I'm sorry."  
"I know you're sorry Derek, but I don't necessarily believe that you'll be there the next time we hit another tragedy and I barely survived the last one. Don't mistake fear for love. I will always be here for you, in one way or another, you don't have to be in love with me to stay in my life." She saw him flinch at her words, she knew that was the knife that drove straight to his heart, her confession that she no longer trusted him.  
"Obviously my words aren't enough," he replied, pulling her closer to him he tightened his grasp around her waist, his hand gently holding her face, Derek brought his lips to hers. Surprised, horrified Penelope wanted to push him away but as he poured his heart and soul into that kiss, she completely melted in his arms. She found herself responding and meeting his hungry need for her. Penelope's arms wrapped themselves around his neck as he delved deeper into the kiss making her moan with pleasure. Breathlessly, Derek reluctantly pulled back to look at her,  
"I love you. I want to be with you. I can't imagine my life without you. It's you, it's always been you. I need you to believe that." He said tearfully bringing his forehead to hers.  
"Tamara," was all she said,  
"I broke it off after the funeral. That's why I didn't come back. All I wanted to do was take you in my arms and tell you I loved you, but it wouldn't have been right. I wanted you to know that I was of sound mind. I wanted you to know that I didn't go from her house straight to you. That I know you deserve better than that. I know I've hurt you, and that you may never trust me again, but I would rather spend the rest of my life begging you to forgive me that not have you in my life at all. I have spent so much time hiding from how I truly feel about you and it stops here. So you're just going to have to get used to it. I'm staying." He stated his eyes boring into hers.  
"I don't care if you fight with me every step of the way, I am not going anywhere." Before Penelope could protest once more Derek's lips covered hers once more.  
"You don't play fair," she mumbled into his lips. Derek smiled knowing he had won that round.

"We better get back to the others." She said somewhat regretfully after spending the last half an hour making out on her couch. Derek sighed knowing she had a point, chances were someone would be busting in the door at any given moment to make sure they hadn't killed each other.  
"To do that you're going to have to let me go and get changed." She pointed out as his arms remained tight around her waist holding her in place on his lap.  
"But I don't want to," he grumbled as his hands pulled at tie on her robe,  
"Oh we're not done talking Derek Morgan, just because I made out with you doesn't mean I'm not going to make your life miserable for as long as I see fit." She announced swatting his hand away from creeping into her robe as they had been roaming while they were getting carried away.  
"Fair play P. I'm up for it. Now go, get changed before Rossi comes in here to identify my remains."  
"No, he'd be the one hiding your remains. He loves me more than he loves you."  
"Ain't that the truth." He muttered with a chuckle as Penelope headed into her room to get changed. As soon as she got in there she had to sit down and process everything that just happened between her and Derek.

"Oi, don't sit there analysing the last half hour. I meant everything I said, so stop being a hard head and accept it. Get dressed. We can pow wow about this later." Derek said through the door making her smile as she bit her lower lip,  
"I promise we will sort this out together." He added. Penelope threw on her jeans and T-shirt and a sweater before opening the door.  
"You're bossy, you know that right?"  
"Just the way you love me Baby Girl,"  
"I wouldn't count your chickens yet Morgan." She said shaking her head as she followed him out the door.

_**There you go… I felt bad that I kept giving you guys angst, so here's your glimpse to a happy ending. **__**  
**_


	7. Processing

Curious glances met them at the door. They had been gone for awhile, and it took all of their self control not to walk on over to Penelope's apartment to check on them. Casually Penelope entered the new Hotchner home and sank into the couch beside Dave, followed close behind by Morgan who took a seat next to Prentiss trying to catch Penelope's eye.

"You are so not going to believe what has just transpired in the last half hour." She muttered quietly enough that no one but Rossi heard her. He raised an eyebrow in question,  
"Later, I think I may have screwed up."  
"Ahhh," he answered with a nod,  
"Stupid Penelope!" she mumbled to herself as she picked up the magazine on the coffee table and began flicking through it.

Discreetly Dave had draped an arm over her shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze. The moment Penelope and Derek made their way to Hotch's apartment, doubts started flying through her head, regrets even. Derek knew by the look on Penelope's face that she had begun to process what had just happened between them. That evidently, transition was not going to be as easy as he had hoped. She was processing with her mind and not her heart.

For the rest of the evening Penelope was seemingly pre-occupied, and they were willing to write it off as a tough day knowing Rossi and Derek knew better.

"Aunt P, will you tuck me in?" Jack asked.  
"Of course honey, go brush our teeth and I'll be up in a minute." They watched as excitedly run up the stairs and into his room.  
"We should go and let you guys settle in for the night." Rossi suggested trying to usher everyone out of there. Penelope had to smirk seeing right through him.  
"He's right." JJ said taking his cue picking up their things to go, Reid, and Emily followed suit while there was a distinct reluctance in Derek's stance.  
"I'll see you guys tomorrow." She said with a wave as she went upstairs to tuck Jack in.  
"I'll walk the guys out if you want to finish up in the study Hotch."  
"Thanks that would be great. Thanks for all that you guys have done, words can't express how grateful I am."  
"You're welcome," they chorused as they headed out. Dave walked them to the elevator standing side by side with Emily they waved at the rest of their friends. When the doors closed Emily turned to Dave,  
"What in the heck was that? I'll walk them out."  
"You practically escorted Derek out of the premises, were you not the one who was harping on about cutting the guy some slack?"  
"Yes, but if we didn't walk him out, he would be heading straight to Penelope's waiting for her there till she went home, and let's just say she's not quite ready to see him."  
"Something happen?"  
"I don't know, Prentiss! You've got us standing in a hallway sounding like a bunch of busybodies."  
"You started it! Hang on, what's stopping him from coming back up when the coast is clear."  
"The new security code that Hotch had installed and only confirmed with your girls today."  
"Ahhh, you are not just a pretty face my friend."  
"Why thank you Emily. You coming back with?" He replied dryly.  
"Of course." She answered with a smile looping her arm through his.

Penelope had to laugh as she saw Dave, Emily and Hotch sitting on the couch presumably waiting for her.

"Is this an intervention? Smooth by the way Dave. Real smooth. You realise it doesn't stop him from camping out in my apartment as we speak?"  
"Ahh, but as I had pointed out to young Prentiss here, due to new security measures of your floor, only those with the security code can come up the lift, and Hotch had only handed you girls the code while you were washing up."  
"Wow, you are good."  
"Yeah well, what can I say. It's the way I roll."  
"He's so modest!" Emily observed with an eye roll.  
"It won't stop him from staying in his car and ringing me incessantly till I answer."  
"Sad for him you left your phone at home." Hotch reminded her.  
"Hmm, I did too. You guys are good."  
"So spill!" Emily demanded unable to wait any longer.  
"He kissed me," Hotch and Rossi exchanged a smirk,  
"Oi, none of that." Penelope warned throwing at pillow at them each.  
"He started telling me he was sorry, and how he realised through everything that was going on that I was the one he loved and could not live without, and you can guess what my reaction to that was."  
"Disbelief?" Rossi offered  
"Damn straight disbelief, he can't just all of a sudden think it's me, after years and years of nothingness."  
"And then he kissed you," Hotch provided,  
"Err yeah,"  
"And all reason fell out the window?" Emily completed.  
"Do I need to be here for this conversation? You guys are doing a great job without me."  
"So what troubles you?" Rossi probed,  
"That I made out with him for half an hour when I'm not even sure if I trust him. Actually, I don't trust him. What's wrong with me? I made out with him."  
"Honey, it's only natural. It's been an emotion filled week. He provided you that physical comfort, not to mention it's something you've wanted for as long as you've known him."  
"Thanks Em, you just made me sound like a hormonal teenager."  
"You know what I mean."  
"Sadly I do. But I made things even more complicated than it already was. Say I was willing to throw away my cares, take his word for it. I can't guarantee that I won't find the urge to throw this back in his face when I get mad at him and I don't want to enter our relationship with all that bitterness and resentment."  
"Then ask him for some time. You don't have to jump into a relationship right now. He's had almost six years to process his feelings for you. Just because he's finally caught up doesn't mean you have to jump to it now. Make him wait." Rossi advised,  
"So you're telling me to play hard to get?" she asked chuckling,  
"No, we're telling you to let him woo you." Emily re-defined.  
"Po-tay-toh, Po-tah-to. Bottom line is Penelope, what do you want?"  
"I wish I knew Aaron. I thought I did, and now that it's here. I'm not so sure."  
"But is that your fear talking?" Hotch challenged,  
"Of course it's my fear talking. He hurt me, and I can barely look at him."  
"And yet you made out with him," Emily teased,  
"So not helping Em!" Penelope said throwing the last pillow in her chair at Emily who caught it laughing.  
"Pen, you're the most forgiving person I know. I know that when you're ready you'll be able to forgive him and that's not the real issue. You're more scared about finally getting what you've always wanted than getting hurt by him again. Because if you finally get what you want, you finally have to shed those insecurities you so hide behind because they're no longer valid."  
"Have I mentioned how much I love having profilers as my best friends?" Penelope said out loud as she sighed knowing they were right.  
"We love you too." The three stooges replied in unison.

After another hour Pen, Emily and Dave finally left Hotch's apartment. They walked him to the elevator and hugged him goodbye. As they walked towards their own apartments Emily stopped at her front door,

"Pen, it's not weakness allowing him back in your life and wanting him."  
"I'm scared Em. I've never loved anyone as much as I have loved Derek Morgan and as a result no one has ever hurt me as much as he has."  
"And that's okay, but if you love him, and he loves you and you have that chance, can you really just walk away from that because you're too scared?"  
"I don't know." Penelope answered honestly.  
"You know where I am if you need to bounce some more."  
"Thanks Em."  
"Sure thing. I'll see you tomorrow hey."  
"Yup, bright and sparky."

She had barely opened the door when she heard her phone ringing. Her machine clicked in to take a message and his voice filled the room,

"So I've just seen Rossi leave the building so I am assuming that you're on your way back to your apartment, or you've just gotten there and you just don't want to talk to me. I know things got out of hand today. That what I was trying to say was distracted by just wanting to show you how much I loved you, and I can see how I've just made our situation even more confusing. So, let me dumb it down.

I screwed up P. I truly did. I wish I had an excuse. But I don't. The intensity of what I felt for you just scared me. We flirt and bantered supposedly so innocently, but it stopped being innocent after you got shot. I knew then that I loved you. Then Lynch came along and it changed us as hard as we tried not to allow it. I got mad at you because I told you I loved you and you went out with him. I realise that you didn't know that how I meant that, and that was my fault for not clarifying it. Then Tamara came along, she was this breath of fresh air who knew nothing of what we saw, after Canada, after Hotch, I just needed something separate and that's what she was for me, a window to the outside world, but you were right, she was ready for a forever and I was only equipped for now. It made me feel like one of those players you teased me about being, so I stuck it out, wanting to prove it to all of you, to myself that I could be that guy who wasn't commitment phobic. But it was never about being a player P, it was just I was never with the right person. Every person that crossed my path, just wasn't right, and that's because I already had the right person, and I just didn't see her, and for that I am sorry P. I took you for granted and as the person I love most in this world, I so didn't show you that.

I don't deserve your forgiveness after I drove you away from my life, for hurting you the way I did. To apologise would almost be insulting, but you have to know be I am so sorry for hurting you. The only thing I can offer you is my love, and a promise that I will love you wholeheartedly for the rest of my life, whether you love me or not. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than not have you.

I am asking you to take a chance P. I'm asking you to let me try and be your friend. Not be as we once were, I don't think we can even if we wanted to, but let's start from scratch and see where that takes us. I promise to no longer use my lips as convincing tools."

Penelope smiled at that. She heard him sigh, she knew he was wondering if she was there or not and making sure that he hadn't forgotten anything.

"I guess I'll see you at the Picnic tomorrow at the park. You have a good night baby girl. I love you." Derek closed his phone letting out another deep breath,

"I can't promise you much…" Derek turned to see Penelope standing outside the doorway with her arms protectively around her,  
"You hurt me Derek, and as much as I say that life is short. All is forgiven. I don't know if I can ever truly trust you and I don't want to start an us finally with all of that. I have wanted an us for so long that I don't want it to start on these basis. I need you to be my friend and then maybe, who knows. I'm not trying to punish you I swear, I just …"  
"I get it P, and I'm here for the long run. If all you want to be is friends right now, then that's what we'll be. But be warned that I am not giving up on us, and that when you least expect it, I am going to woo you, and sweep you off your feet like you deserve. I want to be that man to knock you off your socks."  
"Honey, you know you smile at my direction and you knock my socks off. I don't doubt you already have me, I'm just asking for a little time."  
"Then you have it P."  
"Thank you."  
"You better go on up. It's getting cold."  
"Drive safe."  
"I will. Sleep well Baby Girl."

_**So, should I keep going or end it there??? **__**  
**_


	8. Starting Over

Derek knew that there was still so much for them to work through, and it was going to be a somewhat challenging road ahead of them, but he didn't care. He finally knew what he wanted and that was Penelope and he was going to do everything in his power to get her to believe it.

Though she had agreed to give them a chance, they were both aware that whatever their issues were, it took a back seat to getting Hotch and Jack through the hardest season they have yet to navigate, a life without Hayley.

"Hey P, what are you up to today?" Derek called early Saturday morning.  
"I'm going to take Jack to the Carnival. Hotch had some work he needed to do at the office so Em and I were going to take him, but Em got sick so it's just Jacker and me."  
"Can I crash your date?" he asked. Penelope hesitated for a moment, before agreeing knowing she had to meet him half way if she truly wanted to give THEM a chance. Having Jack there would be like having a buffer, she felt was necessary at that point.  
"Sure, did you want to meet us there?"  
"No, I'll come and get you guys. Noon okay?"  
"Perfect, I'm just about to head on over there now and hang for a bit."

It had been a couple of weeks since their talk in her apartment, since their little make out session that proceeded to confuse an already confusing scenario. They were taking it slow, and have yet to actually be alone together. Their time was mostly spent with the rest of their team as they rallied around Hotch in solidarity. Derek was aware of her hesitation and sensed her fear of allowing him to get close to her again. He knew the part he played in that, and he was willing to live with the consequences of his actions.

"So, Derek called me this morning, and he asked if he could crash my date with Jack." Penelope said somewhat in confession as she sat on Hotch's couch with a cup of coffee in her hand. Jack had stayed at Jessica's the night before and she was bringing him home at noon so they could go to the carnival. Hotch raised an eyebrow and turned his head to look at her as she chuckled,  
"You know for a stoic man, you're starting to lose your poker face." She teased  
"And?" he pried ignoring her observation.  
"What could I say? I have to be a grown up at some stage and face my fears right? So I said yes,"  
"And now you're here on my couch looking for ways to get yourself out of your predicament. What would you like me to do Penelope, tell him he can't go?" Hotch asked bemused. Penelope sighed with a shrug,  
"Hey, I'm teasing but if that's what you want, you know I'd do it for you."  
"I know." She replied appreciatively.  
"Seriously Pen, if you're not ready to do this, he'll understand."  
"Being with him scares me Hotch." She admitted,  
"Allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment."  
"Sure, why not."  
"You love him right?" Penelope nodded without hesitation,  
"Then would you rather take a chance and be scared or do you want to be safe and wonder in regret for the rest of your life?" Penelope dropped her gaze to her lap.  
"I know you were hurt, and you have every right to be weary of him, I'm not saying to jump back in there, but maybe open that door to your heart. You have so much love in your Pen, and I would hate to see you waste it because you're scared to be hurt again."  
"I know all that in theory, it's just I don't know. There's a wall between us now and I can't quite tear it down."  
"Give it time. Take your time. He loves you. It may have taken him tragedies to get there, but he now knows what he's got."  
"He's had years to process his feelings for me Hotch, how do I know he's not reacting because of his emotions and false sense of connection. What if it's me because I'm the closest thing to the one he could find, what if I won by default?"  
"Penelope…" Aaron said softly, his heart clenching tightly for his friend,  
"I doubt it. Derek has always loved you. He may not have understood what that love was, but it has never wavered. Out of anyone in this world, with the exception of his family, you're the closest human being to him."  
"As his best friend maybe,"  
"No, as a person and as a woman. You need to see how he looks at you Pen. It certainly isn't from the convenience you perceive. I get that you're still angry, but don't confuse that anger with what's truth, and that truth is, he does love you, and you can't let your hurt and anger cloud that. Yes, be careful but if you're willing to really give this a go Pen, you need to drop the baggage and start from square one. Talk to him." Penelope remained quiet for a moment, letting his wise words sink in,  
"Okay, but may the defendant make a suggestion to the prosecutor while the point is fresh on his mind?"  
"It would only be fair,"  
"Take your own advice. You love her, do something about it. Hayley said she wanted you to teach Jack about Love, then show him Hotch. Teach him that hearts mend, and are capable of love even after losing such a huge part of it. Hayley would not want you to give up this opportunity because of some false sense of loyalty to her."  
"Pen,"  
"Tell me I'm wrong."  
"You know I can't."  
"Hotch, Hayley wanted you to be happy. She knew your feelings for Em were evolving and it gave her comfort that there was someone in your world who not only understood the work that consumed you, but the man that you were, that you found someone who got both your worlds. I'm not saying ravish her the next moment you see her, though I'm not at all opposed to that, but I just don't want you to take it out of the table. She loves you too."  
"I don't want to give her a shell of a man Penelope,"  
"Then don't. Don't let Foyet take away more than he already has, it wouldn't serve Hayley's death any purpose to deny yourself of love and happiness that you so deserve."  
"How did you manage to turn this around on me?" he wondered in amazement.  
"It's a gift." She replied with a smirk getting up from where she sat beside him to put her cup in the sink.  
"I made chicken soup, it's on my stove. I figure after Jacker and I leave, you can bring it to Em and make sure she eats something."  
"You're on the verge of being demanding Garcia."  
"You wouldn't have me any other way Boss Man." She quipped as he shook his head knowing she was right.


	9. Working towards a future

Despite Penelope's hesitation the day out with Derek and Jack turned out to be a lot of fun. It had been such a long time since they had done anything together that she had forgotten how easy it was to be with him, and she knew that's what scared her the most. Though Hayley's death had taught them that they couldn't take a love like theirs for granted there were things that you forgave but couldn't quite forget so easily. Derek could see how she battled that inwardly, and he couldn't help but be overcome with guilt, knowing that it was his actions that led them to where they were.

After all the rides, games and Carnival food, it wasn't at all a surprise that Jack began to droop a few hours later. Penelope had noticed that Jack's steps had slowed and without a thought she picked him up in her arms. Jack gratefully hugged her neck tightly as his whole body wrapped around hers. Jack yawned and nuzzled against her.

"Oh sweetheart, we tired you out. Let's take you home okay?" Jack nodded tiredly as Penelope and Derek exchanged a smile. They had thoroughly enjoyed the day with Jack, and he was a great buffer for them.  
"Aunt P, can we go see Emmy?" he asked sleepily.  
"Of course sweetheart! I'm sure she'd love to see you. You know you're her favourite little man."  
"I am?" he asked perking up a little before lifting his head briefly with furrowed eyebrows,  
"Am I your favourite little man?" he asked.  
"What kind of question is that Jack Hotchner, you know you're my favourite four year old ever, and when you turn five, you'll be my favourite five year old. You get?" she said with a grin, while Jack gave her a nod of understanding before resting his head on her shoulder once more, this time falling straight to sleep.  
"Nice out there P."  
"Yeah well, Henry is my Godchild." Derek smirked as he led them back to the car.

For the weeks that followed, Derek made his intentions clear to Penelope, that though he wanted to work on regaining their friendship, he had a goal, and that was to sweep her off her feet, and make her forget any doubt or hesitation about being with him. Derek made it his mission to woo her, and he did.

It wasn't with grand gestures, though he did throw those in every so often, but it was the mere fact that he cared about her and for her like no one ever has before. With the little things he did, slowly, her walls began to break. His phone calls throughout the day just to check in, less flirtatious more the need to hear her voice. The way he would leave a few minutes earlier so he could beat her to work to make sure there was a cup of steaming cup of coffee waiting for her when she walked into her office. Before each case he would make sure he would leave a hand written note for her.

After some time, they had started to hang out on their own, minus the chaperones that Penelope had enlisted to ensure that she would keep her grounded. Their first official date was a casual one. It was a day date of rollerblading at the park, followed by a picnic that he had packed. They stayed out till after it was dark just talking and watching the sunset. Penelope loved seeing him so care fee. She knew that he had shed his walls to show her that he could be trusted with her walls. It was like the two of them were rediscovering who they were, and who each other was, together.

Their friends had watched closely in appreciation, knowing without a doubt that they were meant to be together, and that when they finally got there, it would be forever.

_**Sorry guys, I am currently in the middle of a writer's drought so I am going to end it here for now. Who knows a sequel may be in its future once my muse returns. Till then, thank you so much for your patience and support!**_


End file.
